these last two weekends have been generally odd for me. Both on me looking back on life back to the last time I may have considered myself completely happy senior year of high school and the summer before. It is interesting to read those all journal entries and those thoughts. How self centered a kid I was but I think about how happy that first relationship was. So interesting to think about because parts of that relationship were very draining / miserable and stress filled and turned me into a jerk to most of the people in my life. Not everyone but I definitely made me a focus in a really over the top way. Am I better on that yet? I don't think so completely but I am getting there. It is just an interesting thing to do it feels like a life time ago as I have rode a ride of crazy emotions over the past years going from really highs to lows in that period telling everything to fuck off to missing them all like crazy. Obviously some people more than others but sometimes it feels like those early connections rooted themselves much deeper. There was nothing blocking people for digging deep roots to your heart, soul and your dreams.
Now I feel like I have salted the earth of my soul and look at most people especially new people in a very skeptical way. That barrier seems to take forever to break to share those secrets to say something real or meaningful about myself. I feel like I can put on a enough of an I don't care face to get through most people and the people that get through that I can manage to stay on the surface for for years no matter how they may dig to reach any deeper. What is interesting being here are the people who are willing to talk to you, who are young and open and have yet to been jaded by a long time of failed romances and dropped opportunities. There is something refreshing about the hopefulness the belief in the infinite possibility to succeed in all things with little to no sacrifice. Maybe that is the case, maybe it isn't. Either way here is looking to incorporate more hope for the future in the day to day and maybe remove some of that salt and open up to people.